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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 17, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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- that only works in imaginationland. you're grounded! aw, shit. captioning by captionmax from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central . (cheers and applause) hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart, my guest tonight barnard college professor kimberlie martin. she is an expert on russian politics which is the subspecialty of being incede blae busy these days, in fact we're going to get right to the growing crisis oversea, crimean war 2 ukrainian boogaloo. listen. after a week of letting his
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troop movements do the talking, russian strongman vladimir putin sat down tuesday with his country's of the sensor's media to explain himself. >> this is what i would like to suggest. let's have a conversation rather than an interview. >> jon: you know what i did not see that coming. our conversation, a rap session. i never saw putin as the cool dad. somebody who would pull up a chair, flip around, put on a baseball hat. let's talk about pops. but it's a pleasant surprise, let's get to the conversation. >> i would ask you to begin by stating all your questions. i will jot them down and try to answer them. fine. let us stop here for now. i will begin, don't interrupt me. (laughter) >> jon: i forgot an interesting fact. in russia the word for conversation is the same
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word as the word for shut the [bleep] up. let me talk. lev laugh first thing's first, you like that, big vladi? first thing's first. all right, vladimir, are there russian troops in the ukraine? >> those are local self-defense units. about the use of military, there is no need for this so far. this is very interesting. have you mentioned to these local self-defense units that they are not from russia, because -- >> i am a russian soldier. i should have let him finish. mi russian soldier. in dream you are having. (laughter) when you wake up, there will be no memory of this. come on, vladimir.
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>> vladimir, vladimir putin. the soldiers are saying they are from russia. they are speaking russian, they're wearing russian army uniforms, kind of. >> well, look at the former soviet republic. because there are a lot of uniforms that look like them. you can go to a store and buy a uniform. (laughter) >> jon: right, but i'm not sure you can go to the store and buy ten thousand of them. or have that store throw in some russian tanks! or are those just part of crimea's new city tank program. people want to get around, they go in, they do a thing. (applause) this has been quite an enlightening conversation with vladimir putin. and while president putin seems to be channeling jon lovitz's character from snl, yeah, yeah, cry mea, yeah,
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we're not in crimea, that's the ticket, yeah, perhaps there's something else going on here. >> germany angela merkel told president obama sunday night that after speaking to putin she didn't think he was in touch with reality saying putin was in another world. >> jon: and that brings us to the second portion of our headline. much of the world now sees putin for what he is, semi delusional auto crat who views the dissolution of the soviet union as one of the greatest tragedies of the late -- centro and has confused his owns geo political propaganda for reality. who would be fooled by this guy's [bleep]. >> russia has a real leader. an our president just is-- is incapable and unwilling to lead. >> in a way, you got to hand it to putin. he knows the west is weak. >> putin decide was he wants to do. and he does it in half a day. he makes a decision and he executes it. quickly, then everybody reacts that is what you call a leader. >> jon: that is not what you
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call a leader. make the quick decision and everybody reacts? that's what you call a toddler. (laughter) honestly. i got to tell you. the weirdest thing about this isn't putin invading ukraine. you expect a crazy guy to act crazy. the weirdest thing is seeing conservatives in our country point at the crazy guy and go i want what they're having. putin likes to hang out with his shirt off. obama wears mom jean, putin tells the west if you mess with me i will kill you all. >> people are looking at putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. they look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates. >> this is a guy that wrestles tigers while the president wears mom pants. >> jon: what a great talking point that mom jeans turned out to be. here's the thing you got to remember. putin doesn't actually wrestle bears an tigers. that's propaganda. he did once shoot a tiger.
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but only after that tiger had been pretranquilized and trapped in a snare for him. for god's sakes, how much in an 24 news take el do you upgrade putin from wrestling bears to tiger, but tomorrow it will be he snatched a tot out of the great white shark and made him blow him while obama sat there wristfully wearing capri pants and a baby bonnett. you have to admit there is something ridiculous about a middle-aged world leader riding around shirtless on a horse like conan the bore barrian after a dozen donuts. who thinks this looks good? >> it's like they want obama to seem weak to the russian people. they don't respect weakness. >> putin, bigging strong, muscular on a horse. >> jon: big, strong, muscular on a horse that is an image that looks like it should be air brushed on to the side of a van in a new jersey rest area.
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(laughter) i have been to that rest area. nice. but fine, you want obama to be more like putin. how would you feel if obama did act a bit more authoritarian. >> did president o bam mais the class about the three equal baferjs branches of government. >> doesn't he act more like king than president. >> he's not the king. >> emperor obama does what he wants to do. >> an imperial president shredding the constitution. >> he gutted the constitution with obama care. >> shoved down the throats of the american people. >> that's a form of tyranny. >> those are the actions of a dictator. >> a obama needs to be reminded he is not a dictator. >> jon: fascinating. let me see if i have this straight. (obama is a week, mom jeans wearing dictator king! weak, weak mom jeans, tyrant,
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of the worst tyrants of all. what the hell is wrong with these people. what happened to these people as children. that has enabled this love-hate relationship with authoritarian figures and the inherent cognitive disdissonance that goes along with such a chism. you know what i am talking about fox contributor. >> it is funny, putin actually reminded me in a peculiar way of my mother. (laughter) >> jon: go on. >> my mother has a brilliant, uncanny ability to meet someone and within five minutes she can identify their weakness. she knows their weak points. (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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>> welcome back. we've all heard america has the best health-care system in the world am but for how long. >> the u.s. healthcare system for as long as we can remember has had one resounding truth. >> america has the best health-care system in the world. >> the greatest health care system in the world. >> the finest health-care system in the world. >> but that's all about to change. >> obamacare will bankrupt our country and ruin the best health care delivery system in the world. >> fox business commentator todd wileman. >> the u.s. healthcare system is the best in the world but now with obamacare, you know, our choices have been limited. you know, people are going to be saying this costs more, i'm getting less, i'm to the going to be happy. worst-case scenario where are we heading. >> we have longer lines. you might have to bring your own sheet. in russia they reuse sir
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ings. the scenario where we could slip into third world status will be slow, probably. >> oh my god, third world status, that is like the worst world status there isment to see how bad that could be i traveled to a region ripe with poverty. my guide was stan, founder of remote area medical. >> for 30 years brock and his charity have parachuted into remote regions of africa an south america with teams of doctors working to heal the poor. and now he would show me what america will look like in just a few years. stan, how high are we going to go up? >> you don't need to scream at me. the roof is not gone yet, we're still on the ground. >> oh. oh, okay, yeah, yeah, this is my first time. >> anxious for the long journey ahead we buzzed over an unfamiliar and rugged landscape. >> when i arrived i was overwhelmed by the need. >> dow find that there are diseases and things,
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conditions herur's not even familiar with. gange fever, tie for identification, malaria things like that. >> those aren't problems that we really see in knoxville. >> you said knoxville. >> we're in tennessee. >> tennessee. >> tennessee, knoxville, tennessee. >> yes. >> knoxville. and that's what the locals call this place. >> yes. >> and what is the english word for it. >> knoxville. >> this is knoxville, tennessee this is america. >> oh, that explains it. oh my god, i think i saw a wafflehouse. >> but if we were in america, what the hell was stan brock doing here. >> it has been designed to take airborne relief, parachute drops et cetera to the third world and have more than 90% of everything we do is here in the united states. >> and is that because 90% of the world's population is american. >> no, no, when i came to
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this which i saw that there was a desperate need, people that couldn't afford or didn't have access to care. >> the u.s. healthcare system is the best in the world, fact. >> if you can afford it. >> name five other countries that have a better health-care system than the u.s. >> malta, cyprus, france, switzerland, japan, australia, great britain. >> all right, you named like seven. >> yeah. >> and i said name five, so you lose. okay, so maybe we're not the first best or second-best, but at least we're in the top-- 37th. whatever. in your face, slovenia. i just came back from a place with shockingly poor health kir conditions. they're still reeling from the loss of the civil war. a quarter of the young people are living in poverty. they have high rates of cancer. heart disease. >> this is how bad it could get, sure, yeah, if we keep going down the path of more government control, less invasion. i don't know if we could be
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that place unless great catastrophe happens to this country. >> i should probably mention that the place i'm talking about knoxville, tennessee, in america. >> which has the greatest health care in the world. >> what i-- obviously not-- you know, you're-- you know, people do fall through the cracks. >> and from what i saw those are some pretty big [bleep] cracks. so the worse case scenario for obamacare is that it gets us to a place where we already are? so what happens now when you're sick. >> you're still going to get the care. it's going to be not-- not good. not some of not good, it's going to be not what everyone else is getting. >> everybody else gets it, it's going to be -- >> [bleep].
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>> it's-- they all get the same level of health care but they're going to have to wait for it. >> it's the same treatment, you just might get that treatment after you have already died. >> no. some people get great health care and some people just get good health care. >> but what if everybody got really great health care. >> i'm just kidding, we have to keep things competitive, right? >> yes! >> see, everyone gets care. it's just some have to wait for it. to be choppered in with a triage unit. but that's their choice. >> not all of them cannot afford health care. they made that choice to go bare. >> because they can't afford it. >> because they don't want to pay for it. >> well, because they can't afford it. >> people like a free lunch. and i will be honest, if you are poor, stop being poor, you know, get a ged, have a job for over a year. >> right, right. >> so if you are's poor, just stop being poor.
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>> that's a good idea. >> it's a great idea. just no one tell slovenia. >> jon: we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] a car that is able to see, to calculate, to think -- and can respond to what it encounters. ♪ even if that means completely stopping itself. it's the stuff of science fiction... minus the fiction. the 2014 e-class. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. see your au♪horized dealer for exceptional offers
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>> welcome back, my guest tonight, she is a political science professor at barnard college columbia university, she has been wroiing about the crisis in ukraine from foreign affairs magazine,
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please welcome kimberlie martin. hello. >> thank you. thank you for being here, for someone who studies this region, this must be horrifying and exciting at the same time. >> when things get bad there they get good for people who study it. >> jon: good for people who study it. >> yeah. >> jon: here's what i though about the situation. putin has won. he has through shrewd leadership and a certain amount of sensitivity of nipple, he has brought the west to its knees and reconstituted the soviet union. how correct am any. >> no, in fact, that's absolutely wrong. he lost and nobody can figure out why he took such big risk for such little gain. >> now that he's an interesting take, that you have, when you say it's a big risk, what has he risked?
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>> well, immediately he's risk that a gunshot goes off, not just one that gets into the sky but one that is, for example, fired by a drunk soldier, that causes the whole thing to blow and you crane to be in a civil war with russian troops there. but more than that, he has now given up the one piece of power that russia really had after the cold war that had any significance which was the veto in the u.n. security council. because he didn't bother to go to the u.n. before he decided to make this military move and then nobody is going to believe russia ever again when they say but you have to go to the u.n. security council first. >> aw. but let me tell you this, they are not there militarily. >> i understand that. i understand that, yeah. >> jon: you can go out and buy russian military uniforms. >> yes, yes, so i heard. >> jon: an you can learn russian very quickly if you want to. >> right, right. >> jon: this is complicated for not just russia because you talk about putin has given up the moral group if he indeed had any. how tough is it for us to
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say let's say putin wants to turn it around. i only went in to crimea because this is a region that wants to be part of the russian federation. wants to be independent, like you went into iraq, we are merely spreading democracy in this region. >> well, there is a procedure that should be followed through international law and, in fact, ukraine had already planned that it was going to have a discussion of changing the autonomous status of crimea after the may elections that were coming up. the ukrainian government is actually relatively a democracy. they didn't quite follow the procedures constitutionally when they got rid of yanukovych, the old leader but the way they put in place the new leadership was by a majority vote of a parliament that was elected in an election. and so ukraine is already a democracy. >> does that complicate ukraine's options here if crimea says we have through a popular uprising overthrown the ukrainian leadership and chosen to be
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part of the russian federation, does ukraine have a leg to stand on when they say but that's not constitutional because they just did a similar maneuver. >> but there is a difference. because what crimea did at the point that the russians had started going in was to replace their leadership with a new leader so that part was parallel to what had happened in kiev and the major part of ukraine. but the idea of just breaking away as a province going off on its own, that-- that is not in any kind of international legal framework that has to come with the permission, the discussion of the entire population of ukraine, not just the province by itself. >> how complicate wood it be if you held that discussion with the entoire province. because i know listen, i'm sure the kurds are watching this and thinking i didn't know you could do that. i was-- i-- in iraq, part of turkey there are many regions where there is a majority population, perhaps not in control politically that would like to establish their autonomy ethnically. >> but you know, only 58% of
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the people in crimea are ethnically russian or so we think from 29001 census. there is a big minority of crimean-- who were really just faced terrible persecution throughout the soviet period, now have-- . >> jon: so not -- they are not neutral towards russia, they are-- they are actively hostile. >> frightened of russia. and they have explicitly said they have their own form of a little inform democratic group that gets together and meets. and they said this group supports ukraine and they want ukraine and the entire population of ukraine to be involved in this decision. >> jon: i understand, you know, look, russia did this in georgia. but georgia is nowhere near the military of the ukraine. i mean ukraine is in an enormous country in and of itself with a very well established military. >> yes. the military in ukraine is not as strong as we might like it to be. but they've certainly cooperated with the u.s. and nato all around the world. and it seems like they're holding. and that's the one really positive things that gives stability in this situation.
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but the ground forces are still holding that little piece of land that connects crimea to the rest of ukraine. when that naval commander said he was defecting to the crimean side none of the officers want with him. when russian helicopters try to go to the crimean part of the country into the rest of ukraine, they were stopped by the ukrainian air force, so far that means it is a contained problem. >> jon: so basically putin has won and the west is weak. thank you for being here. will you stick and for a little bit. we'll talk briefly more, a couple of things i wanted to ask you. kimberly martin. kimberly martin. we'll be right back. brewed for more this ispirited nights.tune. it's undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. you might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. miller fortune.
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>> stephen: tonight, what does the man on the street think about race in america? i don't know. i crossed it to avoid him. ( laughter ) then a surprise move from a hate group. get ready for "the aryan brotherhood of the traveling pants." and my guest, jeff goldblum, stars in the new wes anderson film "the grand budapest hotel." the interview will have a sound track of mendelssohn played on a toy xylophone. ( laughter ) the oscars are on sunday! damn! i had tuesday in the offic ( laughter ) pool. this is the the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )


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